Some thoughts from the long and winding road …

– The male purse (Murse) and fanny pack are in full bloom in Europe these days. Designer leather bags, crap nylon zip ups, front waist or side waist, it doesn’t matter. The real question is where did the pants pocket go wrong and what the hell do guys put in there? Oh yea, their dignity.

– I figured growing up in Buffalo and living through some cold Denver winters that I’d be used to cool weather, but the citizens of the Balkans and Baltics take the cake. These tough mudders will voluntarily where T-shirts and shorts in 50 degree, rainy weather and I just don’t get it. Maybe surviving a war and/or communism makes you tougher. I thought not having an automatic car starter did.

-On the other hand, in Turkey don’t even think about opening a window on the bus or in a Turks home as they are extremely scared of catching a cold from any sort of breeze, even if its 90 degrees out.

– Replacing boxer briefs outside of North America is tougher than you think. Maybe your college-era Hanes finally began to disintegrate and finally have to be replaced, what to do? Well, logically you’d look to TJMaxx for a nice multi-pack of blacks, blues or the occasional red, but sadly the aforementioned discount clothier has not crossed either pond. In Europe, you could go to the local sub standard clothing outlet (ie C&A) where a $100 suit is easy to obtain but one pair of boxer briefs run at least $10. Another major problem is European men’s underwear is smaller than women’s. I’d like to help make babies someday and I don’t think that type of restriction will help my cause. What about Asia? Maybe you find yourself at an outdoor market somewhere in Thailand and after picking through 42 pairs of the neon colored briefs, you come across the perfect black pair. You’ve haggled the price down to a respectable $3, but wait, there is no hole in the front to do your #1 without going all 2nd grade and dropping your pants. What to do? These are the tough questions I pose to the outside world. Until then, those eight year old Hanes look just a bit better than they did yesterday. Please help.

– Some intellectuals may ask, “where did the budget hotel breakfast buffet go so wrong?” I think they are asking the wrong question. I want to know what went wrong with the clientele? I can guarantee that at any average breakfast buffet filled with eggs, yogurt, cereal, fruit and vegetables, you are guaranteed to find one guy (usually with his head down and eyes focused) with a plate filled with a half a loaf of white bread and seven hot dogs. I understand a man’s love for flavorless breads and encased meats, but do me a favor and eat that somewhere out of my sight.

– I really appreciate that outside of America, everyone drinks espresso or tea. But the small potion size, social aspect and sheer efficiency of it is the most revealing. Indian Tuk Tuk (taxi)driver in the middle of a long fare, no problem, let’s pull over for a chai. Italian priest on the way to a service, stop in for a quick espresso. Turkish garbage man in the middle of trash pick up, bottoms up.

– When a Ukrainian Orthodox monk yells at you in his native tongue while traversing his monastery, you don’t think twice and both you and your wife wrap a skirt around your waist to cover your legs and hope he’s satisfied because his B.O and beard really creep me out.

– Attempting to eradicate your Asian hostel/hotel/bungalow room of geckos is futile. Those things can crawl upside down, through the smallest of crevices and are speedy. Occasionally, you might get lucky and pin one against the wall with a drinking glass, but more often than not your going to have a left over tail inside your cup and a very angry, albeit slightly small gecko.

– Waiting in line at a bakery in Riga, Latvia, Adena eyes “strudel” on the rack and orders a piece. The women opens a bag while grabbing the strudel and mumbles something along the lines of “chicken meat”. Andy turns to Adena, “did she just say chicken meat”? Under her breath Adena replies “no, she asked us in Latvian if we were eating here or taking away”.  Needless to say, that first bite of strudel was a rude awakening of just how wrong chicken taste when wrapped in sweet bread.

– When ordering a milk shake in New Zealand, don’t expect your old fashioned ice cream. Think more along the lines of whole milk mixed with flavored syrup. Awful.

– While shopping for pecans at an Asian market in Vancouver, be sure to show the grocer what you want in writing or you may end up with canned peas in your hand.

– Need to know your weight while you travel? Don’t hesitate to step up the elderly man sleeping next to his scale on the side walk.  It only costs about $.12 for a reading.  Countries that participate in sidewalk scales – All of Southeast Asia, Turkey, Ukraine, Latvia (all “fringe” countries). It’s a great way to determine if all that rice, bread and curry have finally caught up to you.

– The Asian mini-bus is a miracle of sorts. It can actually fit more people inside than appears possible. Maybe your enjoying your already cramped, smelly, hot mini-bus ride through Laos and the driver pulls over to pick up another passenger. You may ask yourself, “but where will he sit”? Have no fear as the illusive fold-able stool will appear out of thin air and be placed near the door. Repeat this process a few more times and you get the idea.

– America doesn’t always get it right, but when they do, it’s big. That’s where window screens come in. While window screens are ubiquitous all over the US, they are a rare find outside of North America. You’d think in bug, critter, insect and malaria infested areas a window screen would be a logical choice. Think again because hanging a net from the ceiling and trapping you in a cocoon of stockings is much easier when you find yourself having to get up for that 4AM trip to the toilet. Europe, what’s your excuse?

– A good indicator of a country’s sanitation is the public restrooms located in the metro/airport/train/bus stations at the arrival area.  As soon as I get off the plane/bus/train and go to the bathroom, I will have a fairly good idea about the what the country’s sanitation standards will be. For example, in the Chennai airport bathroom there were holes for toilets, thus leading to the rest of India having holes for toilets. In the Lviv, Ukraine train station again there were flush-able holes for toilets, this lead to pretty poor cleanliness standards throughout the country.  On a better note the Amsterdam airport is spotlessly clean and orderly just like the rest of their country. Test my theory and I know you will see what I mean.